FierceUgly.com

My lord, it’s good to have a forum that maybe, just maybe, more than 2 people will read…one being my mother, the other my husband when he’s not playing XBOX.

So as you can probably guess from the heading….yes, I in fact I “drive an ambulance” for a living…if only that’s all I had to do, my life would be PERFECTION!  The technical term for what I do is paramedic or medic.

And since i work for a communist establishment, I will not name the KGB organization I work for, but our city has a lot of rings, bridges, and rivers…there, if you can put 2 and 2 together, you’re smarter than most of my frequent flyers…and you can probably guess I’m not living and working in some hick town (and nothing against hick towns, cause I’d love to live in Hicktown USA if I was allowed, but due to the requirements of my contract, I am forced to live in the city)

By the way, we take exception to being called “ambulance drivers”…I went to college, I have an education in emergency medicine, and I can do almost as much, if not more in some cases, than a nurse….nothing against nurses either, some of them are my best friends in the world and they have a whole new set of issues I wouldn’t want either…I’m just saying, I do not just drive that truck around.  I have started more i.v.s, intubated more patients, pushed more Narcan on heroin overdoses and “brought them back”, and shocked more people’s hearts than I care to recall.  Our department runs 70,000 calls per year, and we do much more than just drive around in the ambulance.

So here, first, are some reasons NOT to call an ambulance: (as a side note, I am not making these up…I have went on every single one of these below, trust me, I couldn’t make this stuff up)

Do not call an ambulance because you rubbed icy hot on your penis….we’ll laugh on the way to your house, laugh at you, and laugh telling the doctor at the ER what you did, we will laugh after this and tell this story at parties and family functions…we are only humans after all and for the most part humans with a very sick sense of humor.

Do not call an ambulance if you have a rash in  your butt crack…invest in soap and water, go back to school and get an education, but don’t call us at 2:30 a.m.  Maybe see if your local community college offers a class, like “proper ass whipping 101″… (my nurse friend later told me that it was that bad when they released her from the ER)

Do not call an ambulance if you “THINK” your baby has a fever…go out and buy a thermometer and invest in a thing called Children’s Motrin..if those two fail, call your pediatrician, THEN call us.

Do not call an ambulance because you can’t reach your Tylenol and your home care nurse isn’t coming for another hour…we’ll get it off the top of the cabinet and put it further out of your reach!

Do not call an ambulance if you washed your hair with Pine-Sol and now, not only smell Pine tree fresh, but complain that your head is burning…

Do not go out in public, drink till you can’t stand, get naked in the middle of the playground with your girlfriend, and then get mad at us for trying to help you, taking a swing at me.

Do not call us because for the millionth time you ran your wheelchair into the drywall of your apartment and now you’re stuck…

Do not call us because you need to get as close as you can to the shopping district and we’re cheaper than a taxi ride. (yes, people literally call us, lie, get a ride to the ER, then walk away down the street on their merry way).

Do not call us because you aren’t being seen fast enough in the ER and now you want taken to another one

Do not call us and tell us you are Jesus reincarnate and if we don’t sit down and listen to you, we’ll burn in hell…we already know we’re all going to hell, save your holy breath!

My husband, sometimes, wonders why I lock myself in the game room, shut off all the lights, assume the fetal position, and hide from the world… is it really any wonder?  I have been at this job for 11 years now, and nothing is as exciting as television would make you believe..trust me.  We see the same goofs, every month runs into the next, and we are at the point of celebration when we read one of our “regulars” has passed onto the other side. Rest in Peace.

Here’s how easy this is.

REAL REASONS to call an ambulance: if you have chest pains/cardiac arrest, can’t breathe, have/had/having a seizure, unconscious (have someone call for you if that happens-although we get alot of calls that come in that way “Medic XX, respond to a male complaining of a headache and he’s unconscious”-yeah okay, we fly to those let me tell ya), drowning, shot, stabbed, broke BOTH your arms (hey, you can break one arm and still have one good one to drive yourself to the ER), car accident where you know for sure you are hurt (not pretend “i’m gonna sue the pants off the guy that hit me” hurt either), a true allergic reaction (not one that you think your mom’s great aunt was allergic to bees and you might have that gene too…trust me, if you’re allergic to something, that severe, you’ll know).

It is my great hope, that masses will read this and at the very least, laugh, chuckle, or maybe even sigh and learn a little something.

My profession is not all red lights and sirens and fantastic fun and excitement, it’s a job…and like my dad always says “it’s work…if it was fun they’d call it fun…but it’s work…”  It’s no different than 9-5 in an office, a teacher, or construction…it’s a job and with all kidding aside, yes, there are things that I wish I had never seen that have taken maybe a small piece of who I use to be before this away.  There are times when I left the station and cried from the time I sat down till right before I walked into the door.  Those you won’t hear about but I’m sure you can imagine…and even those seem to be lessening the more and more I do this and work here.  I guess becoming so callous of a person is just an occupational hazard sometimes, ha…who knew.

So enjoy my first post…I hope ya like!

Megs