FierceUgly.com

Courtesy of a mass email forward

It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only….Ladies Forbidden’. .and thus,

the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV

was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S.. in any given hour:

61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco  Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments..

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds – Julius
Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle..
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q.. Most boat owners name their boats.

What is the most popular boat name requested?

A.
Obsession
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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One
thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A.
Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father’s
Day

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In Shakespeare’s
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’

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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon..

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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts…. So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.’

It’s where we get
the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

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Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.

Courtesy of a mass email forward

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically ?’

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference
between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’ ?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars .

But ‘realistically’, we’re just living with two hookers and a queer.

Courtesy of  a mass email forward.
Wal-Mart vs. The Morons

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world’s largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

a. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.

b. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
c. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.

d. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to “the poor” and they only want more.

e. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.

f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.

g. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every “government service” you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars.

AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM   ??

Courtesy of a mass email forward

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?” and he smiles.

“OK”, she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama… When you don’t know shit?”

Courtesy of a mass email forward

# 10 – Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 – Pistol won’t stay under front seat.

# 8 – Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 – Pit crew can ‘t work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 – They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 – Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 – No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 – No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 – When they crash their cars, they bail out & run..

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN’T BE IN NASCAR…

# 1 – They Can’t wear their helmets sideways

Courtesy of a mass email forward:

Courtesy of a mass email forward

‘It’s a guy thing, regardless of species.’

Courtesy of a mass email forward.

A guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168″. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini.. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

Courtesy of a mass email forward

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

VERY INSPIRING!

I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’? Well. I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.  And I’m pretty damn good at it,

Courtesy of a mass email forward.

I’m impressed the guy doesn’t even flinch.